Gone Too Long

Throughout my 40+ years, I have lived in multiple cities, many states and even a couple of countries. My mother remarried an Army guy when I was 7 which ultimately made me an Army Brat for the rest of my childhood. I was packed up and ready to move every two years. From city to city, state to state, country to country and back again. Through it all, I didn't make one lasting friend. I barely remember names as I close my eyes and try to conjure up memories from each place I lived. What I do remember is the feelings and smells and tastes of the area. But no names of people, no friendships for the brevity I was there, no human-ness other than my mother and how she changed a little with each move. And then came his retirement and I was finally able to stay in one place longer than two years. Finally I had the opportunity to make friends that would last… or so I thought. But what I didn't realize is that by this time in my life, I had no idea how to be a friend. I had not only never truly had a friend, I was raised as an only child. Meaning, I had a brother and sister at the time (on my dad's side), but I didn't live with them and I never would. Plus the fact that they were about a decade younger than me so even when we did see each other, it wasn't like we had long talks or were we able to relate to each other. I mean when I was 13, my closest sibling was 4. Which ultimately meant, I was alone. And that's all I knew. Now don't get me wrong… I had friendly acquaintances in every city I lived and even in high school when I was able to spend all four years in the same school with the same people. We would go out together on the weekends and hang out after school or during lunch or in the hallways between classes but it wouldn't last. It all stopped the moment I was no longer in that world: graduation. There were no "stay in touch" phone calls. There were no "let's do lunch" get-togethers. There was nothing beyond the halls of school. I was alone, again. To this day, I have no long-lasting friends because at 40+ years old I still have no idea what it takes to be a friend.

Now with the background set, who will miss me when I'm gone? Outside of my family who will even have knowledge of my death or care enough not to simply scroll past the announcement within their feed? I can't fathom any of them will care or even notice a difference with me no longer on this earth. They can't possibly miss a person recently deceased from this world but who has been gone from their life for decades. How could they? They didn't see me then. They don’t know me now. I expect nothing more than to always be alone.

Don't miss me now. I've been gone too long to care now.

~ written by J. Rose, May 2021