I have lived many, many lives. I have been many different labels of "mom" (teenage mom, single mom, mom proxy, mom of multiples, etc...). I have been in many different relationships in which the world labeled me (teenage wife, divorcee, abused girlfriend, survivor, etc...). I've even been called a few different labels of daughter (bio, step, abandoned, etc...) And through it all, I lost pieces of me. My adult life began before society says it should have and I never really got to know who I was just for me. I missed out on the selfish teenage years in which the world should have revolved around me. For so long I have been living to care for someone else, to love someone else or just to be there for someone else. And if you're wondering, this doesn't look like it will change any time soon (being that my youngest are 7 year old twins). But at this point in my life, I wonder who I am?
What do I like to do in my spare time? I do find that question a bit laughable because I don't really know what "spare time" looks like. What makes me smile? Other than my kids and husband. What is enjoyable to me? That may or may not be kid friendly. I don't really know how to answer any of these questions or what truly makes me happy. For the last three decades I have lived my life for my children. I have planned my days, my nights, my weeks, my years around their needs and wants. I have gotten jobs and left jobs based on what my children needed at the time. I have moved over and over again in order to give my children the best advantages possible. I have sacrificed myself to study the ins and outs of my children so that I could always be what they need when they needed it. And whereas, I wouldn't change a thing when it comes to my children, I regret not getting to know myself when I was younger.
And now, here I am today in my mid-forties, getting ready to go away for two days in which I will basically be by myself and I have no idea what I'm going to do. Sleep sounds too cliche and easy. Reading sounds amazing, but how long can I actually read in a day? Trying food places that aren't on the list of the 3 things my children will eat sounds good, but what if I don't like it? I am so lost right now as I pack for this trip. Who am I? What will I do? Where will I go? Questions that may or may not be answered before tomorrow. Wish me luck though! I'll let you know how it goes....
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