Today it was all over the news and social media: "tWitch was found dead of a gunshot wound… an apparent suicide". Though we were all stunned, two people that I love, had a conversation in front of me about the fact that they don’t believe it was suicide. Mainly because how could he post a dancing video where he looks happy and joyful just 24 hours before he did this? And where I do understand their point of view, it shows me that the “normal” person knows nothing about depression nor do they understand the depths that we will go to hide it.
There have been times in which my children (adults and teens) have text me some IG story or TikTok reel and I replied back with “😂😂😂” while literally in tears (of sadness). I didn’t want them to know I had been curled up for several hours crying and sleeping and then crying some more. That is not their burden to carry but what we do online and for the world to see does not define our beings or describe what is happening within us at that very moment. In truth, it could be what we want to feel and hope that if we put it our into the world it will manifest in our souls. Yet when in a state of MDD (major depressive disorder), manifestations are damn near impossible to come true.
~ the above is copied from Notes in my phone from December 14, 2022
As you can see, this was written during a depressive episode in my life not too long ago. Today I am not feeling that bad, yet I am not floating on cloud nine either. As I look back at what I wrote, it brings back the overwhelming feelings of trying to hide who I am daily. My depression has been idle for the majority of my adult life (which began when I was 16... a story for a later date). Then 2022 came and one thing after another compounded and added to what was already heavy on my soul which lead to my ultimate breakdown. The depression was no longer idle. It was no longer that underlying thing that quietly guided my steps. It was in full effect and screaming at the world in its quiet yet deadly form of communication. And now here we are, at the beginning of 2023 just trying to calm the screams but also not to go back into the blind idleness that was my existence... help me.
Sweet Mama J, I am beginning at the beginning to read all of your posts. I have to admit that I do not understand depression. I understand being sad, being lost, feeling hopeless and even entertaining suicidal thoughts, but depression as a constant part of your life, your mental health...that I do not understand. I am looking forward to you educating me!